Collysaurus

EVACUATION EVACUATION blehhhh putting all my belongings into trash bags and taping up my windows in a desperate attempt to not have my basement flood :( It is futile but i must try :(

This seemed like it would have been a seriously fun summer.  I'm 21, have a super fun boyfriend who loves me, super fun people around me, a job that gives me money without taking over my life.. so what do i do?? Break up with boyfriend for no reason.  We will see what shall be i guess... I think i just don't like being happy.  I'm more used to sadness so i don't trust my life if things are going well.  I guess.

You know sometimes I really wouldn't mind just a little more credit. 
Yes.  When I'm angry I am the angriest person in the world.  When I feel sad I'm the saddest I've ever been in my entire life.  When I want to argue I will be the biggest bitch you've ever met.
But when I love you you know that no one has ever loved you more than I do in that moment.  When I want to kiss you I'll kiss you and it will be my entire reason for existing.  If you need me there is nothing that can stop me from getting to you as fast as I can.
I can be horrible. Terrible, awful, no good Colleen.  I know.  and when it passes I am the sorriest and most regretful person on the planet.  And believe it or not, I have learned that there are lines I never want to cross with a person ever again.  There are things you can't take back and wounds that don't heal, and I don't want to be responsible for crossing any more lines with someone that I love.  So I do try my best to stay civil. 
So please.  I'm sorry and I love you.  I do my best to stay right, and sometimes I slip up.  But,  I love you.  I love you I love you I love you. I promise I'll try to do better. But for me the price I pay for not holding back when I'm angry is well worth it for the feeling of not holding back when I'm happy.  It's give and it's take.  If you can't take me then it's time for this to end.  Unfortunately you will never read this so hopefully you are psychic.

"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.”

Blah Blah kill me thanks.  I hate the world and I hate myself and I love you all. Wahhhhh

I'm probably the only person in the world that doesn't get all the love for tina fey. What is with that? Okay she's funny, moderately intelligent, and moderately attractive, but honesty i always feel like she just pounces on stereotypes and makes them her "thing" and that is really not that difficult.  Mean girls was awesome, but "mean girls" is such an easy thing to write about.  and yes 30 rock is funny but like a 30 something year old woman who is single and a stress-eater and is just oh so quirky? Hello obvious?  I'm sorry but ughhhh she pisses me off. I was just reading tina fey's "HILARIOUS" prayer for her daughter and part of it went, "May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty." Hi Tina? fuck off. please. Just imagine for a second if a man or honestly ANYONE who isn't tina fucking fey ever said that the reason children are molested is because child molesters can sense that they are already "damaged." IMAGINE if someone ever said that tina fey got that scar when she was five bc a complete and total stranger could sense that she was damaged. UGH. please let someone say that to her face and let me watch her reaction.  I just don't like her. Bleh.

Just erased everything i wrote because it sucks and so do i.

I am SOOOO GLAD i'm going to geneseo in two weeks.  I need a vacation. 

So I'm at school in the library looking out the window at the lake and I'm just blah :-(.  I feel like I was just never cut out for this stuff.  Not school or libraries or anything but life itself is just overwhelming and hard and terrible and i hate it because i do NOT have a hard life.  my life is ridiculously easy actually compared to billions of other people but im still all wah wah wah i cant sleep at night bc i have soooo many thoughts woe is me blah.  i am not being beaten, or tortured, i have a job, i am enrolled in a college where i actually COULD do well if i wasnt such an idiot, i know where my next meal will be even if i dont like the food... people all over the world are hurt and sick and dying and its so pathetic and self indulgent that i let myself feel this way but i cant help it.  i hate it here. i hate living in my house.  i hate seeing everyone around me make the same mistakes their parents made. i make PLENTY of mistakes but at least im not following my parents.  i make my own, new mistakes.  Yay.

i hate working at the bank and seeing people make the deposits and the men with secret bank accounts so their wives dont know what they spend their money on.  i hate that its the SAME people who are overdrawn, week after week, and every week they say they have NO idea what happened, it was such a mistake blah blah blah.  every week.  i hate seeing single moms depositing their checks for like 400 dollars a week when theyre working full time bc they work at macys or jcpenney or stop and shop, because they never graduated high school or got a degree and now they have 2, 3, 4 kids and the father is long gone and i honestly cant see how they will ever get out from under water.

i hate going to my finance class and having my professor break down in tears (this is a 50 something year old man) because he just found out his mother has pancreatic cancer.  i hate hearing some girl crying in the bathroom and knowing that even if i knew her or could say something to try and help her feel better, it would probably only make her feel worse.  i hate seeing someone at the library reading a book on domestic abuse and wondering if its for class or for their own life.

i hate that everyone in this world is suffering and there is nothing i can do to help.  i hate that even though i KNOW all of this is going on, i am consumed by the petty thoughts of what my ex boyfriend is up to and why my mom insists on wearing the ugliest clothes ever.  i hate that instead of going home at night i drive all the way to hampton bays to go to starbucks (passing 3 or 4 other starbucks on the way) and buy a coffee, smoke cigarettes on the way home and that is honestly the best part of my day-probably the best part of my year-so far.

i hate that i am so selfish, and incapable of being the person that tyler needs, that my parents need, that my sisters need, that my teachers need, that anyone in my life needs, and i am at best insignificant and no problem, but at worst another burden for them.  i hate that i cant help anyone.

i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate myself.

And I can watch TV
I can shuffle off to Buffalo
I can do a backbend
I will not call you back
And I can start a book
I can make some mac and cheese
I can sleep twelve hours
You'll never see my eyes

And I can hate your girl
I can tell you that she's real pretty
I can take my clothes off
I cannot fall in love
You'll never see my eyes
I will not call you back
I cannot do the smurf
I cannot fall in love
I cannot fall in love
I cannot fall in love
I'll never fall in love
I cannot fall in love

jk jk no sleep for me.  meow face magoo and meep;.

"What do you usually do when I'm gone?  Wait for you to come back."  Oh patrick star how i love thee.  except when you were a dick dad when you guys had that baby oyster thing.

Also lemony snicket is lovely.  I need to catch up with the baudelaires sometime soon.  Yes that did just pop into my head.  JUDGE ME.